promises, promises.

tonight was actually a good break from all the living within my own head. i went to my aunt and uncle's house for dinner. (my mom's brother and his wife.) they are the only people on my mother's side that i truly feel comfortable with. i've written in previous posts about how much they have stood by me through the years - how they've never made me feel like "****'s daughter", but rather, an independent person not defined by her mother's craziness. it's amazing how that insecurity never really leaves me. my love for my uncle and aunt is very, very deep, and i'm lucky to have such an open, wonderful relationship with them. ever since my grandfather passed away, they really are the only people tying me to my mother's side. i have serious issues with my mom's sister (also in previous posts), and the rest of my mom's cousins absolutely keep their distance because of my mother. i am sure of it.

anywho... i digress.

the night was nice. we had dinner. we watched glee with my 14-year-old cousin, who pronounced it a "geek" show. i wholeheartedly agreed, but i love it anyway. we talked. we laughed. i left feeling so light. loved. full of love. fiercely proud of my family, and realizing, truly realizing for the first time in a long time that i avoid my family. i completely, utterly, hide within my job. i don't see them more often because of my "job".

the excuses need to stop. i'm living my life for all the wrong reasons. that's what it feels like.

i was listening to some extremely moody shawn colvin music on the ride home, and asked myself: "what would make you a happier person right now? what's important to get you out of this depression?" because that's what i've been doing all month. i know it. i spent last saturday just being sad. left the house because i felt like crying, and went walking in the woods. but instead, walked around the woods feeling like crying. went to work on sunday, but spent the day on the verge of tears. no explanation. no reason that i can rationally explain. i was just... sad. i didn't do the dishes. i didn't clean the house. i barely slept this week. i've just spent the past two hours online reading posts on NAMI and NNAAMI. i have to be at work 5 hours from now, which means i won't sleep AGAIN.

so i'm sad. why?

1. i feel unproductive.

2. i feel fat.

3. i feel unloveable.

4. i hate working for my boss.

i've made this list before. i've promised myself before that i would work on all of this. but i can't COMMIT to it. what's the answer? how do i fix it?

1. get help. find a counselor.

2. make a list, and break it down into manageable pieces.

3. stop tolerating my boss's abuse.

4. get out and do stuff. get active. go for a walk every day.

ENOUGH, girl. ENOUGH. you're punishing yourself.