another letter in the mail.

every time i receive a letter or a postcard in the mail from her, i want to just throw it away. burn it. rip it up into a million pieces and spare myself the pain and the hurt of seeing her handwriting. depending on what she writes, it's easy for me to tell if it was written on a good day or a bad one. this one that i received was definitely written when she was lucid. two pages of her scribble, begging forgiveness, chastising me for being just as horrible to her, and asking me to visit her 8 hours away.

she writes: " you have acted horribly, but i can forgive because i am not with out blame for denying you so often. that's part of my handicap. i beg you to excuse the wandering speculations of a pent up spirit. we could start on new ground. you could visit."

i can't excuse. i can't forgive. i can't start a relationship with her all over again. the letter arrived the day after the police showed up at my door. further proof that her lucid moments are short and few between. the delusions are still the norm. and even after shutting the door, she is still affecting my ability to live my life. i have been a basket case all week. my job is affected. my spirit is affected. i can't fall asleep, and i don't want to get out of bed. and through all this, a small, still voice from the back of my head telling me it's time to find a therapist before i drown in this (yet) again.

the last time i felt this unhappy, i quit grad school, changed careers, and moved 4 hours away. and i don't want to do that again.

i'm so sorry, but i just can't.