for christie.

it's easy to lose perspective, sometimes, when blogging about your own issues. i have faithfully recorded most of the feelings i'll admit to outloud in this blog when it comes to my mother, my fears, my life... my hopes and dreams. but mostly, it's become my space for venting, finding clarity, finding feedback, and letting all the bad and ugly hang out.

but something happened this week that has made me pause in my own nonsense.

my friend christie is 28. she has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. if she is lucky, according to her doctors, she will have another 5 to 10 years of life. christie is an amazing girl. full of life, sarcastic wit, teaches english to inner city kids, and just got married this past july. she is someone who has continually pushed me, and even though we only see each other a few times a year, she has been an important part of my life.

i can't believe this is happening to her.

it puts my own life in perspective. what the hell am i waiting for? i live for work, and not work to live. i wallow at home in misery and sadness because i cannot control my mother's life, and because i can't find the energy to better myself. i'll put it off for another day. do the dishes tomorrow. fall in love next year. put money away for retirement, and dream about the day i get to retire at 55.

but what if there is no next year? what if there is no 55th birthday?

i am probably being dramatic, but i just can't afford to keep living my life the way i have been. something has to change, and it has to change now. there are no guarantees in life, and i've been living like my life is on hold. like i'm waiting for something good to happen. like i'm waiting to magically wake up and find everything different.

but sweetie, this is where we are. you got to make the changes for yourself. and if not now, when??

no, every time i start to feel myself put life on hold again, i'm going to say christie's name. look in the mirror. and realize that i have to live every day as if it were my last. because for christie, it could be. and what a waste that will be.