not my year.

please forgive the lack of posts. the fact is that there has been so much going on that i'm still processing how i feel about it all. it's hard to not self-edit when i'm feeling like this.

then again, maybe it's all the sad music i've been listening to all week.

my job is out of control. i had a huge meeting with my crazy boss's boss on the monday after my birthday. i told him everything. how unhappy i was. that i felt like i was an abused spouse in a relationship. that i wanted to learn from someone who would teach me the right way to do things, not the crazy way. in a nutshell, he told me he wants to fire her, but he needed me to document everything i told him. so i wrote. i wrote and wrote. and sent it. i can't shake the feeling that i have betrayed her. i feel guilty. sick to my stomach. like i'm lying to her every time i talk to her. but it had to be done. i'm the only one who can give her boss the answers he's looking for, and if i don't, i'm protecting her by default. i can't be seen that way professionally.

and now, nothing has happened. i sent this huge letter, put myself through 3 days of not sleeping, because i feel so fucking GUILTY. and he hasn't acknowledged it. hasn't called me. i have no idea what's going to happen. i just want it to HAPPEN already, so i can move on and stop feeling so nauseous.

i also spent the better part of today looking at my brother's wedding albums and listening to the weepies. the result of all this moodiness is that i have now made myself so miserable, and depressed, that i don't want to do anything.

i can't shake the feeling that i'm going to spend my entire life alone. that i'm going to continue eating until i drop dead of a heart attack. that i will always be this unloveable person who can't find enough inner strength to tell her boss what she really thinks of her.

because in the end i'm just a chickenshit. i'm afraid of change. i'm afraid of confrontation. i want it all to just... fix itself. i don't want to disturb the balance. i don't want to provoke. and it all has to do with my mother. this is how i learned to survive her. i learned to calm everyone, search out their moods before speaking, give them what they need emotionally to avoid the blowup...

and i'm still this mess of a girl.