change is hard.

i'm rereading "my parent's keeper" by brown. a few things have happened in the past 24 hours to make me feel that this is a necessity.

1. i'm becoming more and more active in NAMI. they sent out a story on a high school in waukena, wisconsin that did a dance routine that mocked the mentally ill. i was so triggered by memories of myself in high school, coming to terms with my mother's hospitalization, that i sent an email to the principal of the school. i was pretty honest in my anger at the routine.

let me reiterate here that it is VERY unlike me to confront people about this kind of thing. it's easier to do through email, where life is inpersonal, and you can yell whatever you want without having to be there for the recipient's reaction. to my utter shock, the guy asked me for a phone number to have a conversation today. he even called me. the conversation was a good one, but it left me feeling even more confused by my own reaction to it than the actual dance routine situation. that school is a thousand miles away from me - it has no effect on my life. but i know there are students there who might be just as traumatized as i was, or who may be mentally ill themselves, and might need someone to advocate for them.

is this a hint as to something i feel passionate about? more passion than i do about my job? i find myself fantasizing about starting a national organization for ACMIs like myself, and taking our message to young students across the country who might be as affected as i was at their age.

2. i have two days left working with my boss. if you go back to some of my older posts, you know that she is someone with whom i feel a very weird connection. i hate working for her. she reminds me of my mother, and she has turned my working life into an echo of my personal life.

but lately, i'm starting to worry about the new boss. the situation now might suck, but at least i know what to expect and how i need to cope. i'm being thrown into something new, and it's scary as hell. i feel... nervous.

which brings me back to brown's amazing book. the excerpt i want to think about:

"in order to break through this vicious cycle of anxiety and inhibition, you need to see through your adult ways of clocking your insecurity and look into the mind and feelings of that child within you. if you can begin to do this, you'll be able to soothe yourself by seeing that there isn't nearly as much at stake in this situation as that child believes. that hungry, unloved child in you is seeking all the care you never got - and expecting all the rejection and abuse you did receive. approaching any new, unknown person in your world revives that craving and that specter once again."