i am getting upset by my new boss because she is changing things and doesn't like how my previous boss ran things. she chooses to communicate by blunt honesty and negative body language. what got me so upset was how she chose to communicate those feelings to me.
everything in my life has been built by myself to be in control - this is how i survived my mother. i know this now. i needed everything to be in control, planned, not too risky... have the exit plan before you go. this new boss is in control now, and the change from the previous boss, who i had finally learned to read, threw me for a loop.
so what if she wants to change everything? who cares if she thinks i've been doing a lousy job? what's important is what i know: i know i do my job well. i know that i am competent and capable. she's only been working with me for one week - so how in the world can i expect her to know that yet? why in the world am i letting this get me into a depressive funk? it's not worth it. it's just a stupid job! !!
which leads me to the next subject. my brother spent 40 minutes yelling at me on the phone last week to tell me i need to get a life. and he said it just like that. he said i'd go crazy if i kept stressing about work and had nothing else to do, even to the point of obssessing about work on my weekends (which i totally do.) why am i wired to be married to my job?
the more i think on this question, the more it goes back to survival. i survived my mother's latest break by jumping whole-heartedly into my job. working there keeps me from worrying about her. all those customers and coworkers keep my brain utterly free of thinking about my mother. my work friends became my pseudo friends, and before i knew it, the past 5 years have been nothing but work, work, work, succeed, get a promotion, work. as i've said often, this is no way to live a life.
so i'm taking my brother's advice. i'm getting a life. i'm moving on from this crap that is just in my head, and getting out of my own head. i'm going to find an orchestra to join. i'm going to take a continuing ed class. i'm going back to weight watchers and finally lose the weight that i have put on while feeling guilty/unhappy/stressed/emotional. i'm going to lose the weight, but gain myself.
i'm feeling so damn good and optimistic.
i'm not even going to think about the last will and testament that my mother forwarded to my address. i'm not going to read into it all. i cannot lose myself again. i'm more important right now.
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