continuing the isolation (?)

i was reading some of the old comments left on some of my entries. there's one that is just playing with my mind at the moment, and i have to let out everything it stirred up just now.

"Our souls came in stronger than most, we children of these parents. We are a silent type of warrior; our anger is often misplaced, our loyalty is often misplaced and our love is often left unfulfilled."

i was supposed to go home to my friends today to watch the superbowl. somehow, i wound up at work instead. i spent the entire day feeling bad for myself that there would be no one to watch the game with anyway. and true to form, i left at 6 pm, just for kickoff, to sit and watch the game with the cats. i suppose i could have gone all the way to my hometown as planned - drive the hour and see who was around and where. but i didn't really want to bother.

i have to make some friends around here, or this is never gonna stop.

i went to visit my brother and his wife last weekend, and i'd be lying if i didn't admit that i've been thinking of just jumping ship entirely and moving down there near them. given that the rent there is half what is here, i could probably pay my way just finding some odd job and starting all over again. but i am sooo c l o s e to promotion again. is money all that will make me happy? will moving somewhere else make me any more happy than i am here?

one thing is for sure - all of the future plans i had for myself seem to matter less and less lately. when i switched careers four years ago, i convinced myself that this company was the only one i wanted to work for. that i wanted to retire from it. that i wouldn't be satisfied until i was first in command, and entitled to all those yearly bonuses. lately, however, i'm starting to wonder if i really want to do this even in ten years. my job takes me away from everything good in life, like normal weekends, normal hours, family time, regular holidays off... and i've dealt with it so well, i believe, because my job took my mind away from the personal junk going on in my head. i could lose myself in 10,000 customers a week and 300 employees to manage and being really, really good at it. but the cost is becoming clear. my lifestyle is unhealthy. my heart is empty. i'm living an hour away from my family and friends simply for the privilege of being #2.

wouldn't it be nice to just say "fuck it" and leave? i've started from scratch before. i could do it again. and this time, my brother would be there to save ME.

"our loyalty is often misplaced" - has my loyalty been to job and company, before family and self? all i ever wanted was some normalcy and a retirement package. is it worth it? is it really "normal"?

running away won't change the hurt. it won't fix me magically. it won't fix my mother. but it sounds so good right now. sigh.