note to self.

stop reading your mother's blog!!!! it's not good for you. it hurts. it worries you. it's not helping anything. just stop it. why do you like this feeling of pain and grief? why do you drink from it, like a parched animal? the crocodile below the surface is going to bite your head off and drown you.

enough already. it's not going to bring her back.

5 years and counting.

this is mother's day #5 without a celebration of my mother. spent it yet again in the company of my grandmother and aunt, who have spent so much of my life trying to fill a gap.

but we existed as a pair at one point, and i'm trying to remember the time that we did have.

my father said goodnight tonight by saying, "happy daughter's day." it was sweet, and i know what he meant. but i think it's ok to say happy mother's day today - because she was my mother at one point, and i am comfortable enough to celebrate that.

five years with her absence, but she's never really gone.

anger and fear.

my support meeting on wednesday was amazing. i left feeling good, empowered, and even relieved. here was one month where i could report i was doing better. it's lasted a few days until i picked my mail out of the mailbox this afternoon to find:

"my dear daughter:

i am worried at your reluctance to continue our family relationship. so i am planning to drive down to your home sometime this month and see for myself how you are doing and whether you are happy. i hope that you will accommodate your mother by permitting me to sleep on the sofa. my needs are simple and i look forward to seeing someone whom i have missed for sometime. regards, mom."

i want to rage at her. scream. throw a fucking lamp at her head. why can't she just leave me ALONE? i don't understand it. i never will. how much clearer do i need to be? so i write all this anger down, in the hopes that i calm myself enough to sleep tonight without nightmares. and then i start with the fear, the anxiety - is she really going to show up? what the hell am i going to do? should i call the police ahead of time? is there anything they can even do about it? is it enough for an order of protection?

and two days before mother's day. i want to punch her in the face.

well, world? what should i do?

soul healing.

i have been trying over the past few weeks to heal, emotionally and physically. i wouldn't say i'm there yet. but i know that i am on my way.

i have been looking forward to may 1st like you wouldn't believe. the beginning of the month means my support group meeting is coming up. i was such a mess at the last one, and i think i'm better now. i'm anxious to see them all and tell them how much better i'm coping.

i spent last night and yesterday alone, but not sitting at home on the couch. i took myself out to dinner, and then spent today wandering around a cute little town up north i had read about. spent the afternoon sitting on the porch of a french bistro, sipping vino verde and inhaling a bowl of mussels with fries on the side. it was beautiful. but still so alone. i don't know what it is that keeps me from calling my friends. sometimes i need the space. but i know today would have been more fun with someone along for the ride.

started to wonder if this is what my mother does all the time too, all alone upstate.