anger and fear.

my support meeting on wednesday was amazing. i left feeling good, empowered, and even relieved. here was one month where i could report i was doing better. it's lasted a few days until i picked my mail out of the mailbox this afternoon to find:

"my dear daughter:

i am worried at your reluctance to continue our family relationship. so i am planning to drive down to your home sometime this month and see for myself how you are doing and whether you are happy. i hope that you will accommodate your mother by permitting me to sleep on the sofa. my needs are simple and i look forward to seeing someone whom i have missed for sometime. regards, mom."

i want to rage at her. scream. throw a fucking lamp at her head. why can't she just leave me ALONE? i don't understand it. i never will. how much clearer do i need to be? so i write all this anger down, in the hopes that i calm myself enough to sleep tonight without nightmares. and then i start with the fear, the anxiety - is she really going to show up? what the hell am i going to do? should i call the police ahead of time? is there anything they can even do about it? is it enough for an order of protection?

and two days before mother's day. i want to punch her in the face.

well, world? what should i do?