theme song.

excuse me while i post this here. i need some affirmation (change is hard.)

regrets collect like old friends/ here to relive your darkest moments/

i can see no way, i can see no way/ and all of the ghouls come out to play/

and every demon wants his pound of flesh/ but i like to keep some things to myself/

i like to keep my issues strong/ it's always darkest before the dawn/

and i've been a fool and i've been blind/ i can never leave the past behind/

i can see no way, i can see no way/ i'm always dragging that horse around/

all of these questions, such a mournful sound/ tonight i'm gonna bury that horse in the ground/

'cause i like to keep my issues strong/ but it's always darkest before the dawn/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back/ so shake him off, oh woah/

and i am done with my graceless heart/ so tonight i'm gonna cut it out and then restart/

'cause i like to keep my issues strong/ it's always darkest before the dawn/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back/ so shake him off, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with the devil on your back (shake it out)/

given half the chance would i take any of it back? (shake it out)/

it's a fine romance but it's left me so undone (shake it out)/

it's always darkest before the dawn (shake it out)/ oh woah...

and i'm damned if i do, and i'm damned if i don't/ so here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope/

and i'm ready to suffer and i'm ready to hope/ it's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat/

'cause looking for heaven found a devil in me/ looking for heaven found a devil in me/

but what the hell, i'm gonna let it happen to me/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back/ so shake him off, oh woah/

baby steps.

i called a chiropractor.
i called a therapist.
i'm going back to weight watchers.

i will not let my old habits suck me in.
i will not let my usual methods of coping get the better of me and my progress.

i will not go backwards.

back to therapy?

feeling as good as i have, it seems weird that i want to find a therapist again. after so many years of keeping track of my emotions here, i know that the self-sabotage always follows the positive build-up. i so want to avoid it this time. and i can feel it, breathing down my neck. i can feel the pull of my old habits - the isolation, the weekends of doing nothing.

i miss my support group. as far as i can tell, there isn't one here. in a way, they were my therapists. i miss the conversation.

visits and epiphanies.

i had two weekends in a row of houseguests: my dad's family, and then my oldest friend. i stressed myself out to the point of ridiculousness over both of them, but somehow managed to get through it. don't get me wrong - i love them all dearly, but it was the first time i'd had visitors down here and i am still "settling", in a way. i still love my weekends and frankly, my alone time. i had neither for two weeks in a row. no wonder my back gave out and i've had spasms ever since. (no. sadly, i'm not kidding.)

so weird to have people come "visit". that was a new sensation. also so weird to be "hosting" along with my brother and his wife. i felt weirdly adult-like. i also felt... like this is really home. this is where i want to be. i didn't feel homesick for them all. i didn't feel upset when they left. i felt... nothing. nothing except relief that it all went well, everyone's flights made it, and no one had a miserable time.

on the other hand, i'm pretty exhausted, and wicked excited for a quiet, lone weekend.

i overreacted a bit.

i don't know who the call was from. after talking to my brother, the call i got wasn't from the right area code. which means i freaked out and lost my cool over nothing.

i guess it shows that there are some feelings that are still very, very raw. if she ever really does call me from this point forward, i'll try to handle it better.

i will handle it better.

how did she find me?

it took all my strength not to lose it today... she found my phone number. someone, somewhere, gave her my unlisted phone number that has been out of her reach for 4 years. i want to scream. punch a wall. cry in a heap. smack someone. i was free. FREE! free from the drama, and the fear of phone calls. fear of hearing it ring. hearing it at 3 in the morning. having a daily reminder of her illness.

and i don't want to change my number again... it's been so nice to just have one number and not worry about this again.

i can't possibly put the rage i'm feeling into this post. it scares me. it scares me that i have to deal with it again, and make a decision to either change my number, or actually answer one of her phone calls to tell her the next time she calls, i'll consider it harassment.

save me from all this drama. i have been free of it for so many months, and i'm in such a good place mentally. as always, ALWAYS, she comes back to fuck it up just when i'm feeling free from all the shackles of guilt, anger, and shame. just once, ONCE, i want to move on with my life without fear of her interference.

it's never going to be easy. it's never going to be the life i need to heal. she's always going to just force herself back in. i hate her.

it's a quiet revolution.

i don't think i'll be able to really make this entry make any sense. i've really been searching for reasons why i'm so much happier here. when i moved from ny, i was tired of my routine. i was at a stalemate. i was living in a place for my job, with no friends or family nearby. everyone was an hour away. i was bored. i was tired of my life existing for only work. i was tired of my life being a non-life. so i moved. i decided that a fresh start was needed.

and here i am. new place. new faces. new things to explore and feelings to reexamine. and somehow, i am truly happier. i feel so damn hopeful. so damn full of promise. i am sitting in a beautiful apartment, at my grandfather's desk with photos of the family staring up at me from the glass top, and somehow recognize that in this moment, i am more of my own person than i've been in years. yes, this year will surely be a pivotal one. i feel so close to... something. to some kind of breakthrough. of miraculous self-given freedom. i'm still a mess of a girl, but somehow, being here makes me feel closer to figuring out how to fix it all. maybe it's the physical distance from the rest of the family, or the friends that knew me back when... back when everything started.

something always brings it back to her. my mother. there have been many, many days here when i've been thinking about her. mostly curious what she is up to. but what she meant to me long, long ago. celebrating the times we had, and mourning the times we won't. this physical space is so good for me. i am trying to forgive myself for all the hurt, the pain, and move on. move forward to the rest of my life. i deserve one. i can't spend my life mourning her, or beating myself up for how i kicked her out of my life.

everything is going to get so much better from here on out. i know it will.