august rush.

somehow, this month has flown by. every week has been a steady routine of work, going to therapy, going to weight watchers meetings, sleeping... a steady routine designed to keep me busy and distracted from the fact that i still haven't made any real friends here. distracted from the fact that my career is at a standstill as a result of moving, and all the progress and status i had built in my last region means nothing in my new one. my job leaves me frustrated and pissed off. my personal life leaves me lonely. and i have caught myself more than once wondering if moving here was really worth it. to sacrifice my friends. my career path. my family.

on the other hand:

since moving, i've paid off a credit card. lost 14 pounds. spend my weekends volunteering at the aquarium. see my brother and his wife a few times a month. come to better understanding of what my company is really looking for nowadays. found a therapist that is helping me to divorce myself from my job and come to terms with the fact that i've been alone for so long because on a fundamental level, i needed the distance from the world.

like anything else, moving here was a gamble. i have to wait for the long-term payout, because the short term is almost unbearable. in the meantime, this month rushed by. the next few will be even faster with the holidays approaching. eventually, i'll meet some people, right? right.

haven't heard a peep from my mother. i almost forget to think about her... is that weird? out of nowhere, i'll catch myself thinking about her for the first time in days, and i think it means i'm truly healing. truly.

positivity is addictive.

the therapist must be helping more than i realized. i am feeling so passionately positive lately. sure, the work thing is still irritating me. i'm still worried i'll never meet someone. but i feel like i'm really living much better than i used to. cooking. cleaning the house. getting the car fixed before it breaks down. little tiny things that make me feel more in control of my own life. like i'm finding some kind of rhythm to it.

my brother received a letter from our mother - addressed to both of us at his house. i wish i could get the us post office to keep my address hidden. how else could she know where i am? :/ i had a dream this week that she died. she's now 61. it's certainly possible that i might have to deal with that in the next 10 years. or 20. or 30. i have no idea why the thought has been so prevalent this week, but i guess something deep down is worrying me. i'm going to shake it off for now. keep the positivity going. keep the focus on me, and my life.

theme song.

excuse me while i post this here. i need some affirmation (change is hard.)

regrets collect like old friends/ here to relive your darkest moments/

i can see no way, i can see no way/ and all of the ghouls come out to play/

and every demon wants his pound of flesh/ but i like to keep some things to myself/

i like to keep my issues strong/ it's always darkest before the dawn/

and i've been a fool and i've been blind/ i can never leave the past behind/

i can see no way, i can see no way/ i'm always dragging that horse around/

all of these questions, such a mournful sound/ tonight i'm gonna bury that horse in the ground/

'cause i like to keep my issues strong/ but it's always darkest before the dawn/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back/ so shake him off, oh woah/

and i am done with my graceless heart/ so tonight i'm gonna cut it out and then restart/

'cause i like to keep my issues strong/ it's always darkest before the dawn/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back/ so shake him off, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with the devil on your back (shake it out)/

given half the chance would i take any of it back? (shake it out)/

it's a fine romance but it's left me so undone (shake it out)/

it's always darkest before the dawn (shake it out)/ oh woah...

and i'm damned if i do, and i'm damned if i don't/ so here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope/

and i'm ready to suffer and i'm ready to hope/ it's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat/

'cause looking for heaven found a devil in me/ looking for heaven found a devil in me/

but what the hell, i'm gonna let it happen to me/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back/ so shake him off, oh woah/

baby steps.

i called a chiropractor.
i called a therapist.
i'm going back to weight watchers.

i will not let my old habits suck me in.
i will not let my usual methods of coping get the better of me and my progress.

i will not go backwards.

back to therapy?

feeling as good as i have, it seems weird that i want to find a therapist again. after so many years of keeping track of my emotions here, i know that the self-sabotage always follows the positive build-up. i so want to avoid it this time. and i can feel it, breathing down my neck. i can feel the pull of my old habits - the isolation, the weekends of doing nothing.

i miss my support group. as far as i can tell, there isn't one here. in a way, they were my therapists. i miss the conversation.

visits and epiphanies.

i had two weekends in a row of houseguests: my dad's family, and then my oldest friend. i stressed myself out to the point of ridiculousness over both of them, but somehow managed to get through it. don't get me wrong - i love them all dearly, but it was the first time i'd had visitors down here and i am still "settling", in a way. i still love my weekends and frankly, my alone time. i had neither for two weeks in a row. no wonder my back gave out and i've had spasms ever since. (no. sadly, i'm not kidding.)

so weird to have people come "visit". that was a new sensation. also so weird to be "hosting" along with my brother and his wife. i felt weirdly adult-like. i also felt... like this is really home. this is where i want to be. i didn't feel homesick for them all. i didn't feel upset when they left. i felt... nothing. nothing except relief that it all went well, everyone's flights made it, and no one had a miserable time.

on the other hand, i'm pretty exhausted, and wicked excited for a quiet, lone weekend.

i overreacted a bit.

i don't know who the call was from. after talking to my brother, the call i got wasn't from the right area code. which means i freaked out and lost my cool over nothing.

i guess it shows that there are some feelings that are still very, very raw. if she ever really does call me from this point forward, i'll try to handle it better.

i will handle it better.