trying to figure out how to find people going through the same thing. web searches don't seem to come up with anything useful other than a forum on shizophrenia.com. i thought about sharing this blog with my facebook friends, but then realized i would be censoring myself all the time as a result. and i don't want to censor myself anymore than necessary.
this is supposed to be my own private outlet.
where i can say things like:
[sometimes i wonder if my mother's death would be an easier kind of grief, if only because there would be some kind of closure possible.]
where i can write things like:
[in a morning light,
small creases
looking back in a rearview mirror
on the way to her family
feeling the guilty weight of my mother not being there
and the unbearable relief of my mother not being there.
self-portraits caught in moments of not knowing
where i'm going next,
but revelling in the suddenly grown-up feeling
i have swirling around my ankles
like a skirt my mother
might have worn.
i feel my twentyfifth year
flowing as a cadence
a sweet song beginning
and ending
with faith
determination
and a grace
being taught
in the boughs of brooklyn.]
this is my own little anonymous space. and that's how i need it to be right now.
Your first sentence I've thought also, many times. I then just brush it away. It's like a never-ending grief that follows you wherever you go, because she's your mother, she's a part of you. That doesn't get forgotten so easily.
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