not my year.

please forgive the lack of posts. the fact is that there has been so much going on that i'm still processing how i feel about it all. it's hard to not self-edit when i'm feeling like this.

then again, maybe it's all the sad music i've been listening to all week.

my job is out of control. i had a huge meeting with my crazy boss's boss on the monday after my birthday. i told him everything. how unhappy i was. that i felt like i was an abused spouse in a relationship. that i wanted to learn from someone who would teach me the right way to do things, not the crazy way. in a nutshell, he told me he wants to fire her, but he needed me to document everything i told him. so i wrote. i wrote and wrote. and sent it. i can't shake the feeling that i have betrayed her. i feel guilty. sick to my stomach. like i'm lying to her every time i talk to her. but it had to be done. i'm the only one who can give her boss the answers he's looking for, and if i don't, i'm protecting her by default. i can't be seen that way professionally.

and now, nothing has happened. i sent this huge letter, put myself through 3 days of not sleeping, because i feel so fucking GUILTY. and he hasn't acknowledged it. hasn't called me. i have no idea what's going to happen. i just want it to HAPPEN already, so i can move on and stop feeling so nauseous.

i also spent the better part of today looking at my brother's wedding albums and listening to the weepies. the result of all this moodiness is that i have now made myself so miserable, and depressed, that i don't want to do anything.

i can't shake the feeling that i'm going to spend my entire life alone. that i'm going to continue eating until i drop dead of a heart attack. that i will always be this unloveable person who can't find enough inner strength to tell her boss what she really thinks of her.

because in the end i'm just a chickenshit. i'm afraid of change. i'm afraid of confrontation. i want it all to just... fix itself. i don't want to disturb the balance. i don't want to provoke. and it all has to do with my mother. this is how i learned to survive her. i learned to calm everyone, search out their moods before speaking, give them what they need emotionally to avoid the blowup...

and i'm still this mess of a girl.

happy birthday, buncy

it's something my mother would have said when i was a child.

birthdays are such funny things. this is perhaps the first one where i don't really give a damn about what i do. last year i got all worked up because i invited a bunch of folks to come out and no one did. but not this year. i just want my 3 best friends for dinner out somewhere.

i also want to avoid receiving a package from mom. every year since our estrangement, she sends a box of something she has hand-knit. i cleaned a closet out last night, and found a scarf, a shawl, and a hooded sweater in a box that she sent over the years. i guess the progress is that i didn't immediately rebox them. i put the sweater on. it made me feel weird. wrong. like i could put it on, and think of her, and no one would have to know but me. i wouldn't have to admit to it out loud. i wouldn't have to admit that i like the idea that she made it with her own hands, and she held it, and she sent it with love. i wouldn't have to admit that i wanted that in some small way.

but i guess you're always the little girl you used to be, and you never really get over wanting your mommy. even when you're 28, and still unable to make peace with the fact that she's never coming back.

i have only one birthday wish: that this be a better year for me emotionally. because my heart hurts.

emails and a new house

my mother came up with yet another email address for herself. it's already been blocked. this email was not angry like her last, but rather, the disgustingly sweet, forgiving, peace-offering motherly type. she said she had sent me a package for my birthday.

is it wrong that i'm already trying to figure out how i refuse my signature with ups? i don't need her to have delivery confirmation. i wonder if they "return to sender." whatever is in the box is nothing i want.

i guess i'd be able to understand her if i had my own kids - i'm sure i wouldn't be able to understand the rejection either. but right now, all i want is her complete and total absence from my life, and she is doing everything possible to keep herself in it. short of showing up at my door. that would certainly test my patience at every level. i'd probably just want to hit her.

in other news, my brother is buying a house. he's such an adult. so much more so than i think i will ever be. i wonder where i'll be in 5 years. right now, it hurts to know that he will never return home to ny. that unless i move towards him, that our relationship will continue as it has been for the past few years. i really miss the closeness we had. i miss seeing him all the time. i miss my sister-in-law, who i love just as much. i truly miss being a part of their everyday lives.

do i miss them enough to uproot myself yet again? that is the question.

rumors.

i spoke to my sister-in-law today, who answered the phone, "what's wrong?" the actual reason i had called was to figure out how i could go for a visit as a surprise for my brother's birthday. but it made me realize how much we all are on pins and needles in this family. ALWAYS vigilant. ALWAYS ready for the next drama, episode, catastrophe. we are poised to support and empathize with whichever family member has been targeted by my mother.

i shrugged it off at the time, but now that i've been home to think about it, it's so sad. we are constantly on edge.

she then asked if i had spoken to my brother lately. when i replied no, she proceeded to tell me that one of the emails that i had blocked from my mother had said she planned on coming to my apartment to see me on my birthday, a mere 2 weeks from now. my initial reaction was laughter. "that's nice," i replied. my sister-in-law laughed back. that would be an interesting attempt on her part. if she actually shows up, i hope i act rationally. i hope i act calmly, and ask her to leave in a calm manner. i really don't think i know how i will react. i can only hope i don't lose my temper and scream back at her.

i have to remember she's ill. and treat her as such.

maybe she could just do me the gigantic favor of not showing up. short of an order of protection for harassment/stalking, there really isn't much i can do.

for christie.

it's easy to lose perspective, sometimes, when blogging about your own issues. i have faithfully recorded most of the feelings i'll admit to outloud in this blog when it comes to my mother, my fears, my life... my hopes and dreams. but mostly, it's become my space for venting, finding clarity, finding feedback, and letting all the bad and ugly hang out.

but something happened this week that has made me pause in my own nonsense.

my friend christie is 28. she has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. if she is lucky, according to her doctors, she will have another 5 to 10 years of life. christie is an amazing girl. full of life, sarcastic wit, teaches english to inner city kids, and just got married this past july. she is someone who has continually pushed me, and even though we only see each other a few times a year, she has been an important part of my life.

i can't believe this is happening to her.

it puts my own life in perspective. what the hell am i waiting for? i live for work, and not work to live. i wallow at home in misery and sadness because i cannot control my mother's life, and because i can't find the energy to better myself. i'll put it off for another day. do the dishes tomorrow. fall in love next year. put money away for retirement, and dream about the day i get to retire at 55.

but what if there is no next year? what if there is no 55th birthday?

i am probably being dramatic, but i just can't afford to keep living my life the way i have been. something has to change, and it has to change now. there are no guarantees in life, and i've been living like my life is on hold. like i'm waiting for something good to happen. like i'm waiting to magically wake up and find everything different.

but sweetie, this is where we are. you got to make the changes for yourself. and if not now, when??

no, every time i start to feel myself put life on hold again, i'm going to say christie's name. look in the mirror. and realize that i have to live every day as if it were my last. because for christie, it could be. and what a waste that will be.