tonight's group meeting

The support group that I joined doubled in size tonight. Usually there are only 3 of us. Tonight there were 6. In the 11 months that i've been attending, this was the first time any one new had come along. The 3 individuals that came all shared their story - some with tears, some with stoicism. I became completely unraveled. There was so much to relate to - and even some discoveries for my own benefit - that I feel unable to sleep. There is so much I want to rethink. Mull over. Investigate.

I was so upset I ran to the nearest Target and bought comfort items (without realizing I was doing it.) A fleece bathrobe, new sheets, PJ bottoms, diet pepsi, a new trash can for the kitchen to make me feel like I had cleaned something...

I was so incredibly triggered. The topic was disagreements, and our comfort with them. I wound up talking about the disagreements I have with myself almost daily. Voicing that I am constantly disagreeing with myself because while I have cut my mother off, and drawn the proverbial line in the sand, I still crave information about her, and her state of being. I was reliving every fear and frustration of not being able to heal her - save her - get her to the hospital. The hopelessness and regret and guilt. The wish my brother would seek some kind of help instead of acting as if he were impervious. Instead of cutting out his own family in favor of his wife's.

One of the newcomers expressed fears about the future - what would happen when he married, when he moved out of the house. I swear all I wanted to do was wrap him in my arms, tell him it was OK if he wanted to leave his ill mother, that he was allowed to think about his own needs, that he was going to have to figure out his own boundaries, and that he would have a life without the burden of caring for his mother. But I can't do that. I can't even make those claims to myself, let alone someone else. But always that need and desire to help and soothe everyone but myself. It never goes away. I will continue to put everyone else in front of myself.

I thought I had made progress over the past year. But maybe I haven't. Why else would I have lost it the way that I did? Why do I still feel like this? Like the weight on my shoulders will not let go, and that I just want to eat, eat, eat until I throw up?

I guess in truth I wanted him to put his arms around me, and tell me everything is going to be ok. I need that from someone else. I need a hug. I need a shoulder to cry on.

promises, promises.

tonight was actually a good break from all the living within my own head. i went to my aunt and uncle's house for dinner. (my mom's brother and his wife.) they are the only people on my mother's side that i truly feel comfortable with. i've written in previous posts about how much they have stood by me through the years - how they've never made me feel like "****'s daughter", but rather, an independent person not defined by her mother's craziness. it's amazing how that insecurity never really leaves me. my love for my uncle and aunt is very, very deep, and i'm lucky to have such an open, wonderful relationship with them. ever since my grandfather passed away, they really are the only people tying me to my mother's side. i have serious issues with my mom's sister (also in previous posts), and the rest of my mom's cousins absolutely keep their distance because of my mother. i am sure of it.

anywho... i digress.

the night was nice. we had dinner. we watched glee with my 14-year-old cousin, who pronounced it a "geek" show. i wholeheartedly agreed, but i love it anyway. we talked. we laughed. i left feeling so light. loved. full of love. fiercely proud of my family, and realizing, truly realizing for the first time in a long time that i avoid my family. i completely, utterly, hide within my job. i don't see them more often because of my "job".

the excuses need to stop. i'm living my life for all the wrong reasons. that's what it feels like.

i was listening to some extremely moody shawn colvin music on the ride home, and asked myself: "what would make you a happier person right now? what's important to get you out of this depression?" because that's what i've been doing all month. i know it. i spent last saturday just being sad. left the house because i felt like crying, and went walking in the woods. but instead, walked around the woods feeling like crying. went to work on sunday, but spent the day on the verge of tears. no explanation. no reason that i can rationally explain. i was just... sad. i didn't do the dishes. i didn't clean the house. i barely slept this week. i've just spent the past two hours online reading posts on NAMI and NNAAMI. i have to be at work 5 hours from now, which means i won't sleep AGAIN.

so i'm sad. why?

1. i feel unproductive.

2. i feel fat.

3. i feel unloveable.

4. i hate working for my boss.

i've made this list before. i've promised myself before that i would work on all of this. but i can't COMMIT to it. what's the answer? how do i fix it?

1. get help. find a counselor.

2. make a list, and break it down into manageable pieces.

3. stop tolerating my boss's abuse.

4. get out and do stuff. get active. go for a walk every day.

ENOUGH, girl. ENOUGH. you're punishing yourself.

eureka!

i am coming to slowly realize this important thing:

i think my boss reminds me slightly of my mother. that i am constantly on guard for her feelings and moods, because i am scared of an implosion. that everything i say to her is meant to either calm or keep calm. that our work relationship affects my personal life. and that i am always anxious, on a consistent daily basis, fearing the impending emotional roller coaster of the day.

after a year of wondering what it is that makes me "suck" at my job, i think this is it. i don't suck. i just work for someone who paralyzes me.

and now, how i go about fixing or improving this? other than asking for a transfer?

the book that is going to change my life

how is it possible i haven't read this one yet? "my parent's keeper: adult children of the emotionally disturbed" by eva marian brown. i read page after page, highlighting sentences whenever i feel my heart scream out, "YES! THIS IS YOU!!" and there are so many to highlight. there are some issues that don't immediately apply to me, but oh my goodness.

this is the same kind of revelation i had when i first joined my "adult children of the MI" support group, which is the one and only thing i do for "myself" every month. this is life. changing. i think to digest this properly, i'm going to have to start with a thought from the book and write out my emotional responses. i feel like this is the right course.

the first one i'm mulling over is:

"over the years, as you repeatedly experience your parent's inadequacy in responding to your feelings, and as you witness their own internal chaos, you build a life around being in control. being in control becomes the most important thing in your life; your survival depends upon it."

next entry.

identity theft

she tried to claim money that legally belongs to me using my address with her name. instead of sending in the claim, she sent it to me with a letter declaring me as "ms. millipede of more than one persona." whatever the f that means.

in the meantime, i am extraordinarily concerned that she used MY address with her name to attempt to collect an old paycheck from a former employer. an order of protection wouldn't work with this, would it? it's not harassment. and she didn't actually steal the money, so it's not theft.

but it's definitely disturbing. and extremely, extremely nervy.

regret.

i will admit that the anger has dissipated. after getting mom's email, i went through my "mom" folder in my email, and found some incredibly mean emails i had sent right after her breakdown. i was cruel. hurtful. hateful, even. i said things that i should not have, but i know the place they were coming from.

three years ago, she was harassing me at work. she was sending me incredibly upsetting and cryptic emails. she was interfering with my brother's life. she was leaving me to pick myself up yet again. she was jailed. she was released. i couldn't understand why she would stop the medication. i couldn't understand WHY she was choosing to be sick over being my parent. i tried to tell her so many times about the consequences of her choices. i wrote her an email that flat-out said that she would not be welcome in my life, or that of my future children, if she chose to not take medication. and rationally, i can't comprehend giving up that joy. but i am not mentally ill - she is. i have no idea what kind of thought process she has - even though i can guess at the meanings behind the bizarre letters.

i guess what i'm saying is that i feel bad about the emails i sent her all those years ago, and their tone. but i know why i sent them - i was trying to scare her "straight". i was trying to get her back on track. i was trying to protect my brother. and it didn't work. none of it worked.

what i'm saying is that i'm not as angry anymore. but i'm still determined. mostly, i just feel bad for her. i pity her.

whatever that means for now.

and one got through.

even after i block her email address, she still finds a way to get past the barricade. this is what i received today, hours into one of the worst days at work i've had in a while. the email is addressed to my father, with myself and my brother cc'ed.

possibly enough to start the novel finally? sigh.

"I apologize for emails in August which were the

result of a medication change backfire and
an attempted robbing/mugging in the park on August 28th which
caused a BP fear spike manic cycle.

The following coincidence ( I assume it is providence)has caused me
to consider filing an order of protection (do not bother) petition
here in Rochester:

1. A sister perhaps of your mother (possibly originally from
Queens County) has moved in here at Plymouth G. She calls herself
Dorothy and lives up on the 7th floor. She has some friends who
moved in too who are originally from Point Lookout apparently.
These are "Edward and Mary" There is also a daughter with a car
in her apparent 50s who lives here
2. There is some indication that as teens, my kids
visited her up here and became attached to her;
3. Also, that the first pair live up here and see her
4. There is illegal surveillance of my broadband laptop (Time Warner Cable)not wireless
5. There have been several entries into my apartment in the past year
with vandalism which was instigated
6. I believe my original son is gone and that concealed; there is
some indication he is living in Queens County NY --that's my opinion and
I have a newspaper photo taken by Ruth as proof
7.On 8/28th I was mugged and robbed at a park bench here--by a tenant's relative here probably

As such, I feel I am being targeted as a crime victim for the future
I feel strongly that my parental role has been surplanted by your mom
and she is mentally ill too
there is some reason to believe she commits criminal acts to defend herself
when threatened including libel, coercion and sabotaging my healthy career through string pulling;
in fact, my kids have been stolen de facto and brainwashed or coerced to stay away from me
(they lose eternity or some such insanity)
I feel I need a stronger protection in light of a resume of the
kinds of things which forced me to leave Nassau and take a new legal name
in fact, it is obviously coincidental that your mother is up here in my building,
neighborhood and city--and her friends back home also moved up here.

I am being very up front with you.
I am no longer a well girl.
I am retired and disabled--and chose my present course to avoid stressors or being a victim.
I very much deserve my children and my mother role is intrinsic to my psychological health and survival.

I will press a petition soon. I mean no harm or inconvenience.
I do not intend to move again for the 14th time.
The ball is in your court.

My opinion is that you should move mom into assisted living where she can be monitored by
yourself and
take over her house as her rightful power of attorney.
You should return my children to their non-brainwashed state.
You should retrieve my son and salvage him.
You should restore some form of communication between mom and kids
as beneficial--as a compassionate act as a former friend and lover of mine.

That is all until I file that petition. And on my part, I am in better shape
for September and will resist further BP emails or phone calls, which no doubt--is quite hard.

Regards,"

another email address to block. another string of paranoid hate-filled sentences that i want to forget. another moment of having to squash the urge of writing her back with angry words.

i also received another postcard from her yesterday.

this is why i was so happy when i wasn't hearing from her. it was so much easier to compartmentalize.