recent news.

mom's been a busy little bee. the state police had come looking for info on her a few months ago because she sent a threatening letter to a public official. we didn't know where she was at the time, although my brother seemed to know she had changed her name and moved somewhere north. turns out it's actually true. she legally changed her name to some blatantly vanilla americana name, and moved into a nursing home in the worst slum in an upstate city. the cops know where she is, and who she is, and she has already made quite the name for herself at the local authorities.

so my question remains: why don't they just drag her to the hospital already?

the more time passes, the more sure i become that i will never get my mother back. she will never check herself in, and the cops will never force her because she's not really that much of a threat. just a crazy woman who harasses the local post office for "tampering" with her mail. perhaps this is how it will be from now on - her being somewhere far away, living alone in assisted living on disability, and me never feeling comfortable enough to see her again.

what a waste.

song dedication?

somehow i rediscovered sarah mclachlan's "drifting" tonight. and it's eerily perfect language for what i think my heart is saying every now and then.

"you've been gone so long

all that you know has been shuffled aside

as you bask in the glow

of the beautiful strangers that whisper your name

do they fill up the emptiness

larger than life is your fiction

in a universe made up of one

you have been drifting for so long

i know you don't want to come down

somewhere below you there's people who love you

and they're ready for you to come home,

please come home"

mystery package and the aqarium

my best friend took me to the aquarium with her daughter today. i think my mentioning of the fact that i have spent the last two month's worth of weekends in a depressed funk had something to do with it. and i had a good time. but even now, it's 5 am and i couldn't possibly tell you why i'm still awake.

my building's front door had a a fed ex door tag waiting for me the other day. they left it with my super. i didn't order anything. i'm not expecting anything. i'm extremely confused over what it might be. and hoping it's not from my mother. she shouldn't have my address, and if she does, it might freak me out a bit. i don't want her showing up here someday.

future

going to visit the brother was needed. it felt so good to be somewhere else. in the middle of someone else's family. we talked about what would happen in the future. he is the only family member still talking to her now. apparently she applied for disability and got it. i wonder what kind of disability she claimed to have. so maybe my wish will not come true. maybe she will not check herself into a hospital out of desperation. maybe this situation will never resolve itself.

i feel knocked down.

visiting the lil bro

i'm heading down to visit my brother in the morning. i need it. i've felt like a depressed fuck for the past few weeks. rarely getting out of bed on my days off. not calling friends. eating everything in the fridge. this is never a good sign. i wound up hysterical on the phone with the brother two weeks ago, blabbering on about how much i hate myself and the newly decided fate that i would be alone my entire life.

i know what's really talking.

but when i go down to see him, i'm hoping we can talk about mom a bit. he's getting married next summer, and i'm not sure how it's going to be to have her at the wedding. yes, it's far in the future. yes, it doesn't really matter right this second. but i'm anxious about it already.

the other women.

it occurred to me today, in the midst of feeling like half a grown up and thinking about a conversation i had with my aunt last weekend, that my grandmother and aunt have been my mother for 16 years now. and i've very, very lucky. they are such beautiful amazing women.

no wonder my mother was always jealous of them. she used to call and harass them about trying to take her daughter away from her.

i still can't understand how she couldn't figure out it was always her behavior that caused the rift. it will always be her.

fucking facebook.

she sent me a friend request on facebook today with the following message:

"Honey, such a serious photo! I hope we can remain friends as we were until around 2006. Won't you please add me to your list of friends?"

i want to punch her in the head. she also sent me another damn email from her new email address which i had not blocked yet, and addressed it to "nancy." my name is not nancy. so i wrote her back, cursing quite a bit, and calling her a fucking psychotic bitch. made me feel better.

then i blocked her new email address.