the eery calm.

there has been a lack of writing lately. i find it a bit ironic that i've written so little over the two months, but received so many more comments than i'm used to receiving. there are so many of us out there in the world - all of us searching for answers, for others, for anyone on the other side of the world who understands what it's like to be the child of a mentally ill mother. i grieve for all of us. i mourn our childhoods. i celebrate our strength, and i hope for our healing.

in my life, there have been periods of time that can be clearly defined by emotions. rage. anger. depression. joy. the last few months belong to: calm. eery calm.

i'm not used to it. i don't even trust it. but the fact of the matter is that i have approached my daily life lately like someone... normal. i go to my job, and leave at the end of the day. i see my brother and his wife. i talk with friends and family on the phone. i spend days off running errands, going on hikes, getting my hair done...

it feels positively foreign.

am i finally living well? living a healthy life? is this what it feels like to not have the weight of the world on one's shoulders? is this what it feels like to go about my day, and not spend a moment of it feeling guilty about my mother, or worrying about what she's up to now?

it feels foreign. completely foreign.

i want to trust this. i want to trust that this calm will continue. but the story of my life has taught me that periods like this end, and usually abruptly. i guess i'll just continue to hope.

it's a girl!

i'm going to be an aunt. i've known for a while, but we found out it's a girl today. and suddenly, it seems so wonderfully real. i guess it really didn't sink in until today. i've spent the night thinking about my family - about my grandparents who've passed on, who will never know this child, and my mother, somewhere out in the void unaware of all the life that is going on without her.

i don't think i'll ever understand how she could give this up. this chance to watch my brother become a father, watch her granddaughter grow up... but we had warned her. we had warned her that not taking medication and getting herself together would leave us no choice. it's just so tragically... sad.

i'm thinking of my family, separated by distance. by time. by illness. by death. it's a gently woven tapestry of family ties and history that has frayed edges and holes in places that shouldn't be there. but even with the imperfections, it's this beautiful, warm, incandescent wonder.

i don't know how to express how happy i am without weeping. my brother and i are so lucky. we survived the worst of it. in our own ways, we are telling the story of our lives not in tragedy and tears, but strength and resilience. creating our own joys.

i can't help but cry for my mother. for the loss of her which never ends. there is joy in all this wonderfulness, but there is so much grief too. there's a hole in my heart, and in my brother's, that will make itself more apparent as the birth of this child approaches. i'm hoping that the joy will be enough to fill it for now. for now.

august rush.

somehow, this month has flown by. every week has been a steady routine of work, going to therapy, going to weight watchers meetings, sleeping... a steady routine designed to keep me busy and distracted from the fact that i still haven't made any real friends here. distracted from the fact that my career is at a standstill as a result of moving, and all the progress and status i had built in my last region means nothing in my new one. my job leaves me frustrated and pissed off. my personal life leaves me lonely. and i have caught myself more than once wondering if moving here was really worth it. to sacrifice my friends. my career path. my family.

on the other hand:

since moving, i've paid off a credit card. lost 14 pounds. spend my weekends volunteering at the aquarium. see my brother and his wife a few times a month. come to better understanding of what my company is really looking for nowadays. found a therapist that is helping me to divorce myself from my job and come to terms with the fact that i've been alone for so long because on a fundamental level, i needed the distance from the world.

like anything else, moving here was a gamble. i have to wait for the long-term payout, because the short term is almost unbearable. in the meantime, this month rushed by. the next few will be even faster with the holidays approaching. eventually, i'll meet some people, right? right.

haven't heard a peep from my mother. i almost forget to think about her... is that weird? out of nowhere, i'll catch myself thinking about her for the first time in days, and i think it means i'm truly healing. truly.

positivity is addictive.

the therapist must be helping more than i realized. i am feeling so passionately positive lately. sure, the work thing is still irritating me. i'm still worried i'll never meet someone. but i feel like i'm really living much better than i used to. cooking. cleaning the house. getting the car fixed before it breaks down. little tiny things that make me feel more in control of my own life. like i'm finding some kind of rhythm to it.

my brother received a letter from our mother - addressed to both of us at his house. i wish i could get the us post office to keep my address hidden. how else could she know where i am? :/ i had a dream this week that she died. she's now 61. it's certainly possible that i might have to deal with that in the next 10 years. or 20. or 30. i have no idea why the thought has been so prevalent this week, but i guess something deep down is worrying me. i'm going to shake it off for now. keep the positivity going. keep the focus on me, and my life.

theme song.

excuse me while i post this here. i need some affirmation (change is hard.)

regrets collect like old friends/ here to relive your darkest moments/

i can see no way, i can see no way/ and all of the ghouls come out to play/

and every demon wants his pound of flesh/ but i like to keep some things to myself/

i like to keep my issues strong/ it's always darkest before the dawn/

and i've been a fool and i've been blind/ i can never leave the past behind/

i can see no way, i can see no way/ i'm always dragging that horse around/

all of these questions, such a mournful sound/ tonight i'm gonna bury that horse in the ground/

'cause i like to keep my issues strong/ but it's always darkest before the dawn/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back/ so shake him off, oh woah/

and i am done with my graceless heart/ so tonight i'm gonna cut it out and then restart/

'cause i like to keep my issues strong/ it's always darkest before the dawn/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back/ so shake him off, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with the devil on your back (shake it out)/

given half the chance would i take any of it back? (shake it out)/

it's a fine romance but it's left me so undone (shake it out)/

it's always darkest before the dawn (shake it out)/ oh woah...

and i'm damned if i do, and i'm damned if i don't/ so here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope/

and i'm ready to suffer and i'm ready to hope/ it's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat/

'cause looking for heaven found a devil in me/ looking for heaven found a devil in me/

but what the hell, i'm gonna let it happen to me/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back/ so shake him off, oh woah/

baby steps.

i called a chiropractor.
i called a therapist.
i'm going back to weight watchers.

i will not let my old habits suck me in.
i will not let my usual methods of coping get the better of me and my progress.

i will not go backwards.

back to therapy?

feeling as good as i have, it seems weird that i want to find a therapist again. after so many years of keeping track of my emotions here, i know that the self-sabotage always follows the positive build-up. i so want to avoid it this time. and i can feel it, breathing down my neck. i can feel the pull of my old habits - the isolation, the weekends of doing nothing.

i miss my support group. as far as i can tell, there isn't one here. in a way, they were my therapists. i miss the conversation.

visits and epiphanies.

i had two weekends in a row of houseguests: my dad's family, and then my oldest friend. i stressed myself out to the point of ridiculousness over both of them, but somehow managed to get through it. don't get me wrong - i love them all dearly, but it was the first time i'd had visitors down here and i am still "settling", in a way. i still love my weekends and frankly, my alone time. i had neither for two weeks in a row. no wonder my back gave out and i've had spasms ever since. (no. sadly, i'm not kidding.)

so weird to have people come "visit". that was a new sensation. also so weird to be "hosting" along with my brother and his wife. i felt weirdly adult-like. i also felt... like this is really home. this is where i want to be. i didn't feel homesick for them all. i didn't feel upset when they left. i felt... nothing. nothing except relief that it all went well, everyone's flights made it, and no one had a miserable time.

on the other hand, i'm pretty exhausted, and wicked excited for a quiet, lone weekend.

i overreacted a bit.

i don't know who the call was from. after talking to my brother, the call i got wasn't from the right area code. which means i freaked out and lost my cool over nothing.

i guess it shows that there are some feelings that are still very, very raw. if she ever really does call me from this point forward, i'll try to handle it better.

i will handle it better.

how did she find me?

it took all my strength not to lose it today... she found my phone number. someone, somewhere, gave her my unlisted phone number that has been out of her reach for 4 years. i want to scream. punch a wall. cry in a heap. smack someone. i was free. FREE! free from the drama, and the fear of phone calls. fear of hearing it ring. hearing it at 3 in the morning. having a daily reminder of her illness.

and i don't want to change my number again... it's been so nice to just have one number and not worry about this again.

i can't possibly put the rage i'm feeling into this post. it scares me. it scares me that i have to deal with it again, and make a decision to either change my number, or actually answer one of her phone calls to tell her the next time she calls, i'll consider it harassment.

save me from all this drama. i have been free of it for so many months, and i'm in such a good place mentally. as always, ALWAYS, she comes back to fuck it up just when i'm feeling free from all the shackles of guilt, anger, and shame. just once, ONCE, i want to move on with my life without fear of her interference.

it's never going to be easy. it's never going to be the life i need to heal. she's always going to just force herself back in. i hate her.

it's a quiet revolution.

i don't think i'll be able to really make this entry make any sense. i've really been searching for reasons why i'm so much happier here. when i moved from ny, i was tired of my routine. i was at a stalemate. i was living in a place for my job, with no friends or family nearby. everyone was an hour away. i was bored. i was tired of my life existing for only work. i was tired of my life being a non-life. so i moved. i decided that a fresh start was needed.

and here i am. new place. new faces. new things to explore and feelings to reexamine. and somehow, i am truly happier. i feel so damn hopeful. so damn full of promise. i am sitting in a beautiful apartment, at my grandfather's desk with photos of the family staring up at me from the glass top, and somehow recognize that in this moment, i am more of my own person than i've been in years. yes, this year will surely be a pivotal one. i feel so close to... something. to some kind of breakthrough. of miraculous self-given freedom. i'm still a mess of a girl, but somehow, being here makes me feel closer to figuring out how to fix it all. maybe it's the physical distance from the rest of the family, or the friends that knew me back when... back when everything started.

something always brings it back to her. my mother. there have been many, many days here when i've been thinking about her. mostly curious what she is up to. but what she meant to me long, long ago. celebrating the times we had, and mourning the times we won't. this physical space is so good for me. i am trying to forgive myself for all the hurt, the pain, and move on. move forward to the rest of my life. i deserve one. i can't spend my life mourning her, or beating myself up for how i kicked her out of my life.

everything is going to get so much better from here on out. i know it will.

finally, finally unpacked.

it's amazing how moving can completely turn your life upside down. i've never enjoyed the feeling of being temporary. i hate being nomadic. i've been that way for so many years. moving just sucks. the last month and a half have been spent living out of boxes. after a week of being in my new apt, i realized how much i hated it. the building was nice enough, and let me pick a different apt to move into 3 weeks later. so i spent the first month basically just existing to work, trying to find which box had plates, which box had all the paperwork i needed for a new drivers license... trying to find which box had the iron in it. finding out my mother has already tracked me down here.

needless to say, i've been a mess.

to top it, the new store has been tough to get used to. i don't know anyone there the way i did in my old region, where every other supervisor was someone i had trained before. here, i'm the new kid. i'm the one the management teams are trying to size up. it's not a feeling i like either. i don't know why i have to keep proving myself, over and over and over. at some point, i should just get the damn respect, instead of starting all over again from the bottom.

sigh.

on the plus side, it has been amazing to see my brother and his wife so much. all i can see is the life we will all share somewhere down the horizon, when i establish my life a bit more, and they branch out a family.

for now, i just have to get through this little patch. i have to remember my life's mantra: everything is only temporary.

thank you for being out there, and reading. it helps me so much to know that i have a cheerleading squad out there.

new beginnings!

i did it! i moved! i'm sorry for the long hiatus but it took a while to get my stuff back and the wireless hooked up ;) writing from my smart phone just isn't the same as writing on a keyboard.

the kitties and i drove for 16 hours over 2 days to get here, and the amount of emotions that i've had in the last two weeks are almost hard to believe. i cried when i drove away from the city, smiled the whole way through virginia's beautiful shenandoah valley, and became almost panicky nervous by the time i got here.

my brother and his wife have either talked to me or seen me every day since i arrived, and i know that this is a good move for me. it's just hard to deal a little at the moment. my stuff hasn't arrived yet, so the only furniture in this big apartment is my bed that i bought when i got here. the apt also has no natural light at all -- all the lights have to be on all the time. these two little facts have been making me utterly miserable for my first week of living here. i don't feel like i'm living at all - i'm surviving. this nomadic lifestyle gets sooo old. i want to be settled. i want to be in an apartment that's perfect, with sun and style.

but i'm trying to not complain. i am very excited to be starting my life over a bit. i just wish this feeling of temporary life would go away. i don't like this part of it.

to new beginnings! and new (happier) adventures!

packing.

i promised myself that anything in this house that made me unhappy would not be brought to the new house. but there are things here that i am finding that make me think of my mother. i have photos, letters, scarves she knit for me... an entire file folder containing all the paperwork i collected over the years detailing her jail time, her weird letters, her painful self-narratives...

just how much am i willing to purge? and why do i keep holding on to these things?

in the back of my head, all the letters, the records, the photos, are things that i could someday show to her social worker, or therapist. i am saving them for future use.

but i've sworn there is no future.

so why am i keeping them?

the logical answer, i suppose, is that i still hope for her to get better. to allow me to help her. and in all honesty, it seems i still want that. otherwise, all this shit would be in the garbage.

finally, some forward motion.

i'm moving south in 3 weeks. let me say it again, just so it sinks in...

I'M. MOVING. SOUTH.

the decision's been made, the lease has been signed, and i'll be about 30 minutes away from my brother in just a few short weeks. oh happy happy happy!

for those of you that have been reading this blog for a while, you know that this is a huge deal for me. for those that are just getting to know me, well... this is the beginning of change. of action. of finally admitting what it is that i want in my own life, with my mother and her illness the last thing i'm worried about. it feels like freedom and liberation. it feels like all the trauma of losing my mother to her illness is starting to ease up, and i can finally stop the self-punishment and isolation that have given me the ability to survive it.

it also means that i had to say goodbye to my support group here. there's only 6 of us in the group, so leaving means that a piece of the family is going away. i tried to explain to them how important they were to me, how grateful i was that there was a group of people in my real life that i could be completely honest with, and who could witness my emotional growth and healing over the past two years. i know that what came out of my mouth was inadequate to say all of that. i wish every one of us - every child of a mentally ill parent - has the chance to be a part of a group like that. the self-acceptance and healing power of a group of individuals that grew up the same way, with the same kind of fears and struggles and storylines, is immeasurable. my secret wish is, and will always be, to start a national organization for us children of the mentally ill. but i think i would settle for starting a group like the one i've been a part of in my new community.

moving is always such a stress. but this time, i'm purging. i refuse to bring everything i own down to atlanta, to start over with all the same baggage. anything in this apartment that makes me unhappy, that causes me stress, is going away. it's not coming with me. the only things i want to bring are the things that make me myself. that define me. that bring joy and peace.

i can't wait. oh, i can't wait. bring on the change!!!!! i'm positively starved for it.

heard from her.

The day after I wrote the last entry, I received 2 letters at my address. One had been forward from a previous apartment I had. And they had the same printed letter inside:

"i have been trying to reconnect with you. i hope i have reached you at this address. you know i care a great deal about my daughter, and i welcome you to visit with open arms. why have you stayed away so long? we always had a trusting affectionate relationship! i did not know which address, so i am sending this letter to all of them. please write, phone or email me before i visit so i know you are okay. [contact info edited out.] the trip to visit me is only 6 hours away. let's meet this winter! i'll be praying for you. love, mommy."

what is sad is that no, i don't want to contact her. i don't want to write, or call. i don't want to visit her, or see her. but in the same breath, i will say it was good to see her send something so i know she is alive. how do i balance out these feelings? it worries me to see her say things like "before i visit..." it gets my anxiety up immediately. but reading between the lines, it sounds like she is too tired or too poor to make the trip. phew. how will this end when i am 16 hours further from her than i am now?

what is the end point for all of this?

a new year, indeed.

hello, my friends out there in the void. i've been terrible about writing lately, and i'm so sorry. i am still very much here, and very much committed to this blog and the folks reading far and wide.

the truth is... well, the last two months have been poignant. not because my mother was in them, or because everything has fixed itself. but because i have made decisions. and not just make them. take action on them.

in december, i celebrated my 29th birthday. for the very first time in years, i spent it exactly how i wanted. compartmentalized all my friends into the events i wanted them to be a part of. didn't even blink an eye when two of my supposed best friends weren't even there. it didn't bother me. i felt something in me letting go of all that concern. somehow, i had decided that this was my last birthday in new york. and i told them all that. whether they wanted to be a part of it or not was their own issue. i spent the weekend with the people that i wanted, and did exactly what i wanted without the burden i often put on myself of trying to make it easy on everyone else.

new years was the same thing. told the two people i cared about to come over and we'd make dinner and watch the ball drop while watching movies. and that was that. quiet. simple. not the stupid annoying house party in the city that most people would have gone to. just what i wanted. what i needed.

i knew in my heart that this was my last new years here. and 3 days later, i sent an email off to the vp of my company, asking about transferring near my brother down south. word came back that i can leave whenever i want, and i've set the date for two months from now. somehow, i'm still amazed i had it in me. i had a small panic attack last week as i called to ask for a moving date in april. suddenly freaked out that i was leaving all my friends, most of my family, and the life i've been living for five years.

but now, now i feel excited. free. giant weight off my shoulders. like now that the action has been taken, i can take a deep breath and just start planning my life out a little more than it has been planned out in the past. a shiny new start to my life as a belated birthday gift. no more treading water, or waiting for something to happen.

no longer waiting for my life to bloom like irises.

the only thing i hate is this dread. dread that my mother will show up and fuck it up. dread that i'll never forgive her. dread that she'll follow me there. dread that i'll never see her again. i'm worried about her. she deleted her blog so i can't check in on her that way. and i haven't heard a peep from her in a month. it's almost... too quiet. sick, isn't it? i don't want anything to do with her, and i still can't help wonder if she's ok. wonder if she's sick and homeless, or hospitalized? or imprisoned? but i want to keep moving forward. not look back. not keep myself shackled to this life. the workaholic life that kept me breathing, dealing with the trauma of losing her like that. i have spent five long years paying penance for something i didn't do. i don't want to punish myself anymore. i don't want to refuse myself foward-motion, just because i'm afraid of where she is.

this is going to be more than just a new year. it's going to be a new approach to my life, and my acceptance of the grief and the loss. it's going to be a new chapter in moving on with my life, and without her in it.